Child & Divorce – writes the Psychologist, Michaela Sklatinioti.

Parental divorce is not about a static event that happens now and then is closed as a case. On the contrary, it is part of a process that extends over time and carries multiple changes as interest. 

Children's reactions to divorce vary.

This happens depending on their age, level of cognitive maturity and development, gender, personality and the skills they have in handling difficult situations. In particular, the child's stage of development is considered decisive for the quality and degree of adaptation both in the short term and in the long term.

It is important to note that:

• the way the parents handled the situation both before and after the separation,
• the role of the absent parent after separation,
• the image presented by one parent of the other;
• the parent-child relationship itself

influence and determine the way the child reacts to this event. 

Let's briefly look at the children's reactions according to their age: 

The babies…

they are affected by the emotional state of the person caring for them. They are likely to experience colic, crying, sleep problems, separation anxiety, gastrointestinal problems and increased levels of anxiety. 

Preschool children...

they are unable to fully and correctly appreciate and understand the fact of divorce, their parents' motivations, feelings, their own role and predict what will happen in the future due to the cognitive immaturity of their developmental stage. Feelings of guilt may arise, as well as fear that both parents will abandon them. Possible hyperactivity, noisy or quarrelsome behavior and his withdrawal from the game express the child's sadness. 

During school age…

shame, fear, anger, feelings of deprivation and abandonment characterize most children. Divorce can be seen as something particularly painful. This stage of development can be characterized by an overt mourning for the loss experienced, fear of rejection by the absent parent as well as fear of abandonment by both parents. 

The teenagers…

they tend to show less of their pain, perhaps trying to mask or push away their grief. Due to their cognitive stage and potential, they are able to assess the situation more correctly, assign responsibilities and face impending difficulties. 

Regardless of age, however, children experience pain and anger towards the separation as for them it brings a loss, the mourning for it and the failure of everything and how they lived until now. 

The most persistent effects of parental separation on the adjustment of children and adolescents are internalizing and externalizing problems. In the first case, children seem to present depressive symptoms, anxiety, low self-esteem, feelings of shame, social isolation and often physical discomfort. In the second case, children and teenagers tend to show anger, disobedience and increased difficulties in controlling their emotions. 

Of course, it should be noted that children's reactions to divorce vary. Thus, in addition to the classic negative reactions there are also positive ones. The feeling of relief or even satisfaction for this change is something that later leads to a particularly good functioning of the individual. The fact of divorce is likely to be even a factor of development and creativity for the child. 

*In essence, the child's good adjustment is not the exception but the rule. As long as there is the right support.*

The adjustment of the child is determined by:

• the family context,
• relationships between parents,
• the individual characteristics of adults and children
• the wider environment of the child.

More specifically, the absence of conflict and conflict between parents, strict, responsible and supportive care is associated with smooth adjustment. Parental mental health and the child's positive personality traits, such as lack of capriciousness, social maturity, and cognitive ability, are also protective factors. The positive input of the wider social environment, peers, grandparents, school and other social support networks also play an essential role. 

For every form of family, it is important to follow the same direction of absolute honesty, calmness in situations of mental tension and the child's need for contact with both parents. The child should not be placed in the middle as this "triangulation" causes harmful consequences and inevitable stress in his emotional development!

Every form of family is important:

• to listen to the child's questions and comments. They are likely to hide deeper concerns, such as fear of abandonment. 
• to remain open to his needs. That is, to reassure the child about his love and his presence in his life.
• to give him personal time and space to process the event and his subsequent feelings. 
• to create new "traditions" and habits, i.e. to organize new ways of organizing and holding family celebrations and events. 
• to maintain the child's contact with the spouse's relatives
• to allow sufficient time for everyone to adjust. Even parents need time to mourn the loss and adjust to new circumstances.
• to assure the child that it is not his fault 
• to assure the child of his safety and his ability to communicate with both parents
• to maintain the child's schedule, daily life and routine. Some things may change but there are certainly others that may remain constant. The sense of stability gives a feeling of security to the child
• to set clear boundaries 
• and protect the child's self-esteem

Each family's decision to separate is fully respected. After all, how helpful is it for a child to remain with two parents who are emotionally distant? However, it is important that their love, sympathy, and willingness to create a new type of family continue to be non-negotiable, where both parents will put their own stones in view of the smooth adaptation and emotional development of their child/children. . 

Thank you for your time, 

Michaela