In this period in such a fluid social reality, if we can call it reality all that we experience, communication has become so accessible in all its forms but the human condition is increasingly lost in its attempt to find ways to remain connected both to the self her as well as with her fellow human beings. Many say they feel alone and that a general loneliness surrounds the surrounding atmosphere in which they live and breathe. 

But what is really going on for each of us?

Do we feel lonely or surrounded by loneliness?

Let's sort them out in our minds. 

One can feel alone without feeling lonely. He may have this feeling because interpersonal contact with people he used to be very close to has decreased and he now feels a void and that something/someone is missing from his daily life. 

It is important to note that someone who feels alone does not necessarily mean that they are alone or that they are no longer surrounded by loved ones. One can feel alone in a crowd and hide that feeling behind the facade of being happy and smiling, the soul of the group... 

Thus two terms arise: isolation and loneliness. The first refers to the state in which one is truly alone whether one feels like it or not. The second term refers to someone choosing to be alone and distant from people either because they need a period of quiet and introspection or because they feel lonely. 

So what defines loneliness? 

Loneliness is not a consequence of the absence of friends and loved ones.

It stems from deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, low self-esteem, perfectionism, futility and shame.

People who feel the unbearable feeling of loneliness, which as we see encloses and raises behind it a series of other emotions, does not believe that they are worthy and capable of creating relationships, of being loved and accepted unconditionally. He struggles within himself with the anxiety of rejection and carries an incessant guilt wondering if he is a flawless person and if everyone is happy with him. 

Loneliness is a psychological state in which the person listens to an inner voice that only has to speak to him negatively, such as "how are you like this?" "who will hang out with you the way you act?" "you are not capable of being loved, sit in your shell" etc. 

Martin Buber (1986) had said that the person who feels lonely is unable to make meaningful contact with himself. She keeps him well hidden because she is afraid to touch him and wonder about him. At the same time it generates feelings of antipathy towards his condition, precisely because he has been cut off from himself. Thus a vicious circle is set in motion making the person feel helpless and trapped in the non-existence of his existence. 

Two more important philosophical origins on the subject of solitude came from Pascal and Schopenhauer.

The first one said that the sufferings of loneliness that man experiences come from the fact that he does not feel able to sit with himself, get to know him and talk like 2 good friends.

The second stated that only when one has been alone with himself can he then be himself. To feel truly free, being on a path closer to the chaos of human existence. 

The various philosophical and scientific origins over the centuries brought the distinction between 2 types of loneliness:

the interpersonal and the existential. 

Interpersonal loneliness…

It refers to the feelings of isolation and detachment from other people. This is based on a source and core fear of human contact, communication and connection combined with the fear of rejection. 

Existential loneliness...

It is based on man's feeling of helplessness in the face of the gap and chaos that exists in the rest of humanity. In the chaos of existence in which he has been left alone to discover and find his place within it. 

Does loneliness have beneficial properties?

Like any emotion, loneliness, when it appears, has a function of existence and a purpose. It rings our bell and helps us understand that something is wrong. This happens both in the relationship with ourselves and in the interpersonal relationships in which we exist. An internal mobilization begins for change and redefinition of needs, wants and demands both from ourselves and from those around us. 

What can we do when loneliness and all the additional emotions that surround it knock on the door of our soul, mind and heart? 

As I have mentioned many times, acknowledging the existence of the emotion and all that it entails is half the solution to it and the road to change.

Many times we drown in the unbearable feelings that loneliness brings with it. Thus, we do not understand that what we are experiencing is loneliness. We struggle to put it aside and get it off us. Not having, however, sat down to investigate it, to ask ourselves:

• where does all this come from?
• why has he come
• what does it mean for me and my function in the world?

…All we manage to do is hide it and try to cover it up.

But so we find ourselves in a constant struggle against his own power to uncover and enclose us. We end up physically, mentally but mostly mentally exhausted and lacking any shred of energy. 

Recognize negative self-talk and replace it with positive.

The way we talk to ourselves is inextricably linked to what is formed as a personality and what we emit as people in our relationships and in the world around us. For example, when you hear an inner voice telling you "no one cares about me" think if this is really and realistically true or if you can think of specific persons who, even silently in their own way, show their presence and their support and tell yourself "there are people who care about me".

Another example would be to think: "I will forever be alone, stuck and trapped in my loneliness" and then put a stop to yourself. Consider if this is really true or if it makes more sense to tell yourself, "It's okay to feel lonely now, I need some time with me and for me, it won't be like this forever."

Ask yourself about the quality of the relationships you are involved in.

Is there a balance of satisfying your own needs and wants - or are you always running to catch up with the wants of others and please them incessantly? Are they relationships that lift you up and help you soar to reach for your dreams and desires, or do they hold you captive and pull you back from the dreams of others? Re-negotiate the basis of your relationships and whether all the people around you are worthy of being by your side, they are the ones you really want and they are the ones who truly and seamlessly want to be by your side in happy and bad times. 

Keep your eyes wide open in front of the image influence that comes from social media.

A picture can be a thousand words. Not only for what it shows but mainly for what it can hide behind in its deepest meanings. Are you absolutely sure that you are seeing the full truth? Is the comparison you make between yourself and the image fictitious? Reexamine these criteria. Look critically at what really matters through the bombardment of information that exists in this virtual world.

Focus on activities that make you feel happy, creative and emotionally fulfilled.

Fill your everyday life with things that please you. Live every second doing them. Many times we get lost in the minutes and hours of the day trying to figure out what to do in the next few minutes and hours. In the end, are we happy at some point or are we constantly chasing a year that a while ago had passed by and we didn't pay any attention to it? 

You can, for example, participate in a voluntary action...

To deeply feel the concept of sharing and giving, of giving without return. Challenge yourself to try for something that seems impossible, but step by step it can become tangible. As Nikos Kazantakis said, "go where you can't". So set yourself free from the beliefs that hold you captive. Give him faith that will lift him up.

Take care of yourself, it is neither selfish nor evil.

It is most important for your mental health. Talk honestly to yourself and the people you feel close to. You explain to them the inexplicable you are experiencing and ask for help. It's okay to need help. An expert will always be there to listen with an open heart and mind to give you the encouragement you need to understand why and where you should start on your journey to change. 

Even the diamond needs special treatment to show its brilliance.

It starts from a lump of coal and with patience, persistence and dedication it shines all around. Your brilliance will flood you. You deserve to swim in it! 

Thank you for your time. 

I'm here whatever you need 

Michaela