Oscar Wilde in the fairy tale "The Selfish Giant" describes selfishness through the figure of a giant. This giant had a very flowery garden in which the children loved to play. But the giant wanted the garden only for him. So, to keep the children from entering, he built a large enclosure to prevent them and forbade them from entering the garden. But time passed, the giant was all alone and the garden withered more and more. Seeing his beautiful garden losing its colors and fragrances, he realized his mistake and revised. 

Correspondingly, we humans often tend to build our own barns, our own fences. To revolve around ourselves neglecting and disregarding the needs and desires of others. 

Selfishness is a tendency that only we are worthy, only our own wants and interests matter in relation to others. We encourage the right of others to have wants, desires, needs and to demand respect for them and for themselves.

This tendency is both hereditary, i.e. it exists as a trait written in our genes and passed on, and environmental, i.e. the result of our upbringing and experiences throughout our years. 

As Paul Federn said in 1930:

Egoism appears in our life as a result of either the complete absence of satisfaction of our needs from the first moments of our life or the excessive realization of any of our needs, without limits.

Thus, systematic behavior at one of the 2 extremes leads to the absence of the development of healthy positive self-esteem and self-respect. 

When we are selfish:

• we do not admit our mistakes and excessively blame others for their own mistakes 

• we want to be and we think we are always right 

• we don't back down 

• we want to be in full control of situations 

• we don't care about other people's feelings 

• we don't care about the consequences of our actions 

• we don't value others but ourselves 

• we do not share our difficulties and feelings 

Egoism has the consequence of collapsing our relationships, friendly - family - professional - romantic. It makes us unable to put ourselves in the other person's shoes, to see through their eyes, and to truly listen to them without letting our own thoughts and desires overtake and override meaningful communication. 

An inaccessible wall is created that many times even we ourselves who created it cannot understand, it bothers us, we want to tear it down and we don't know how, while at the same time we feel that if it is torn down we will be left unprotected.

Why do we feel this?

Because man feels helpless in front of everything he does not know and is not used to in his life.

So when he is called to free himself from egoism, that is, from something that he knows very well, and enter the world of empathy, that is, into something that he does not know, he feels unprotected, that he is threatened and that he will not be able to survive.

So, in order to protect himself, he turns to the familiar lairs, in order not to go out of his comfort zone. 

But maybe it's time to let it go? 

Here it is important to separate him healthy by unhealthy egoism. In the first case, the person loves and respects himself by trying to satisfy his wants and desires, so that he has a likeable life.

Caring about ourselves, especially when others don't, is NOT selfishness. 

The noticeable difference comes when this love and effort to satisfy our personal needs and interests becomes an end in itself, and at the expense of others.

Selfishness comes under pathology when:

• we never think about another person's needs and feelings
• we try to make others feel guilty if they don't meet our needs in order to get their attention
• we demand without measure and weight.

We constantly seek love and affirmation through the satisfaction of our needs. When this is not done we are surrounded by feelings of inferiority, jealousy and competition, getting sick all over.

When empathy is systematically absent from every show and every person in our lives, then pathological egoism has knocked on our door, we have opened it, offered it coffee and told it 'sit as long as you want, we don't bother'.

Remember that respect for boundaries is and must be mutual. As you respect your own boundaries, so respect others and demand that they do the same. 

The journey of shedding begins with the realization that you have an ego.

Yes, I know, you will tell me 'I'm very happy, I know I have'. But many cannot, they are not able to recognize that they do not make others right, that they believe that they never make mistakes.

As I have written many times, recognizing the problem is half the solution. A review of your behaviors will convince you! 

On this journey you may discover aspects of yourself that you may not like. Aspects that you want to hide, silence, face aspects that make you feel insecure. With persistence, patience, passion and with the right person next to you, you will find the strength and the way to move forward, and if you need a break it is reasonable. The right person will be there with you during the break and to give you the impetus to get back on your journey and reach your destination. 

!!! How to deal with a selfish person who makes you can't stand it anymore?

Think that ego is a trait he has developed as a defense against the insecurity he feels both about himself and the world around him.

It's like a way to shout 'love me', 'accept me'.

Try to see the pain and traumatic experience that led this person to express this behavior. Try to keep the balance between loving and caring for yourself and loving and caring for the person who is behaving selfishly. If you react defensively against his own defensiveness, then as we have learned, the meeting of two homonymous beings will be repelled. Try to differentiate yourself from this behavior without undermining your own peace and happiness. It is important to try and help but unfortunately we cannot change everything or everyone around us. 

Give yourself time and space to discover your own defenses and the reasons they were created.

The journey can have many adventures... but does that make it more beautiful and meaningful?

Thank you for your time, 

Michaela