What is jealousy?

It's a feeling like any other. 

Why then is there a heated discussion around her name as something foul and repulsive?

Like all emotions, it can take many forms and dimensions on a continuum. 

Let's get to know her better. To see its quality and understand when it can negatively affect our lives so we can find ways to eliminate it. 

Jealousy is one feeling of resentment and resentment towards someone who I feel has something missing from my own life, such as success, material goods, good interpersonal relationships, marriage, children, etc.

The feeling of jealousy is especially found in emotional/romantic relationships where a person may be reacting to some perceived threat that something bad might happen in the relationship.

THE Albert Ellis had defined jealousy as 'self-inflicted misery'. The person is jealous because they want to, and not because they are only affected by situations that trigger this feeling. It is our need to confirm that something belongs to us and that we are the priority of the other person, in any emotional relationship, love – family – friendship – even colleagues. 

Jealousy as we said can take various forms and dimensions, namely 3. It seems to be distinguished into normal, neurotic and pathological. 

Normal jealousy

In this case it is the feeling that everyone can feel at some point due to a situation that makes them feel that something is missing or that something important is threatened to be lost from their life.

For example, a man can feel that not everything is given and everything can change from one moment to another when he sees his partner talking to a colleague and laughing. But he will immediately calm this feeling by thinking and bringing to the surface the confidence he has in his partner's face and her positive traits. Thus, he recognizes that nothing can be a given but at the same time that there is no point in constantly thinking about threats but how he and she as a couple will work to feel mutually safe. 

Neurotic jealousy

Here there is no specific and visible threat but jealousy stems from the individual's feelings of guilt which are projected onto his/her partner. In other words, the person who is jealous does not feel confident about himself and his own dynamics in the face of temptation and so through the mechanism of projection he transfers these characteristics and feelings to the other person and feels that the other person is emitting them, not that is, he recognizes them in himself but believes that he carries them and is a part of the other person and shows jealousy for supposed / potential threats and situations. 

Pathological jealousy

Here the feeling of jealousy is connected with the boundless belief that there is infidelity. The person who externalizes jealousy ends up functioning as a detective, constantly trying to find evidence and evidence for their cases. He is in a constant turmoil and search feeling great and inaccessible emotional insecurity. 

Why do I feel jealous though? What does my jealousy reveal/conceal?

Jealousy comes to indicate low self-esteem – self-confidence, insecurity and guilt. I don't feel good about myself, I don't have confidence in my strength, in my independence, I'm afraid of being without him/her, I'm afraid of rejection, lack of acceptance and appreciation. Jealousy reflects how I perceive myself within any interpersonal relationship. 

Where do all these feelings come from? How did all these feelings come to nestle and grow inside me?

All this is likely to start from our childhood and the emotional relationship that developed or not with our parents.

If our emotional needs were not met by the closest caregivers, then it is possible that we have evolved into adults with emotional gaps.

In particular, we believe that we do not deserve acceptance and love, we become suspicious and find it difficult to believe that another person is showing us true feelings.

When something is not covered, a void nestles within us and remains open until it can be filled.

Thus, the emotional voids from relationships with our parents or closest caregivers carry over into relationships with friends, partners/colleagues and of course our partners. We are constantly seeking acceptance so that we can find the emotional security we were unable to find as children. We perceive ourselves as incapable and unlovable and others as untrustworthy. Thus, we cling to our relationships and any person can be a transmitter of love for us.

It is important to keep in mind that what we emit is also what we attract at the same time. If we don't believe in ourselves, if we feel unworthy and incapable of being loved, then it is next and reasonable that this overwhelms our whole personality and that this is what our friend-relative-partner-partner also believes about us. 

When the emotional needs of childhood are met

then we develop into self-confident people with a sense of 'worth it'.

Therefore, we develop into self-sufficient personalities, with developed powers to stand on their own two feet and go after what they want with confidence. 

Of course, this does not mean that there are not people who have demonstrated great mental resilience in similar situations and have grown into adults with robust mental bodies. In the majority, however, it seems that jealousy originates and has been established due to unmet emotional needs of infancy and childhood. 

Biological origins…

explain that the feeling of jealousy depends on the levels of the hormone oxytocin. It is often referred to as the hormone of love and hugs. It is essentially a stress hormone, which when we have negative connections and experiences helps us seek help and better emotional connections. So negative experiences affect this hormone and lead the person to feel a disturbance and that something needs to change. 

For everything there is a solution as long as we want to see it and try for change. 

What can I do;

Jealousy is about how I experience myself, so it's incredibly important to recognize that I'm jealous. 

Recognizing the problem is half the solution. 

Then it is important to explore it, to understand what is triggering the jealousy, to understand both the present and the past origins, so that I can unravel the tangle of history and find the starting point of the new path to the solution, to the emotional security and pleasure of my emotional relationships/bonds. 

I can talk and ask for help about how I feel when I'm jealous. No need to be ashamed though honest attitude against what I am experiencing, so that I can try together with the important people in my life to build healthier relationships. 

Through the conversation with ourselves, with the important others in our life, with a psychologist I can:

• examine the validity and correctness of what I think, I feel and act

• I discover alternative ways of looking at a situation and dealing with a person.

Our feelings, thoughts and behaviors triggered by situations work in a vicious cycle.

Many times it makes us feel like we are trapped in it and we reproduce the same pattern of feelings, thoughts and behaviors. We feel powerless to step outside the circle and act differently.

Jealousy takes root in such a cycle.

We are called to break him and imbue him with a variety of different emotional expressions. Thus, we can live seamlessly in every moment with every person by our side. 

Try out!

At the time when the feeling of jealousy has reached its peak in you, say a 'stop' to yourself. You can remove yourself to another room or space or go outside for a walk, take a few deep breaths. That is, doing something that you know works as a relaxer for yourself. I suggest you also look at some mindfulness applications and/or read about this topic. Useful tips on relaxation techniques and better connection with your body and soul are given. So, consider whether your jealousy has a real and true basis. You can call someone of yours who you know will be there to listen and discuss together the validity of what you are thinking.

One more tip:

Have phrases and words ready written on your mobile phone or in an agenda that you may always keep with you. Of those that will act as a reminder of correct and realistic thoughts. The ones you aim to exchange jealous thoughts and feelings with. 

Recognize, explore, investigate the validity and rightness of what you think, feel and do. Speak up and ask for support whenever you need it! You deserve it! There is a solution, open your eyes, heart and mind and let yourself be led on a new, different path! 

Everything takes time, will and patience. Don't expect miracles overnight!

It takes virtue and courage to install something new on top of something else that has been established for years in you and around you.

The journey may be long but it is up to you to make it beautiful and special! There are people who can hold your hand and start this journey together! Don't beat yourself up! You deserve every good thing! 

Thank you for your time.

I'm here whatever you need.

Michaela